“The strongest people are not those who show strength in front of the world but those who fight and win battles that others do not know anything about.”
Where to start with separation and divorce in the Punjabi society? Let’s start with that separation and divorce is still something that this society struggles to even say and deal with the fact that it is happening, would you agree? Getting married in the Punjabi society is a key milestone for parents and the older generation. It’s this stage in life that we are conditioned with and never really question because we just know it’s what we do and it’s what happens. But over the last decade we have seen a great wave of women in the Punjabi community standing their ground for what is right for them by taking that decision of separating or divorcing and evidently it can’t be an easy decision, right? But when a relationship becomes unhealthy then people have to do what is right for them and not right for the society.
This topic is something very personally close to me. My mum took the stand to put my safety before “what will the society say” by leaving an unhealthy and toxic marriage back in 1999. This was the prime time for when separation and divorce were ‘taboos’ in the Punjabi society. It was the egg-shell type of time to even express how you felt emotionally so imagine saying you are leaving your marriage. But I couldn’t thank my Mum enough for taking this step for me because it was the best decision made for my life. But I remember I was the only student in the class who was Punjabi and had parents who were divorced. I had all the questions and the comments, even from the kids forget the wider community! The comment of “but that’s not allowed” used to touch all the nerves possible inside me because I used to think “so what society says is only allowed?” Because no it’s not. What is allowed is people standing their ground for what is right for them and their family regardless of the society ‘gossip’ that will follow afterwards, and that is what is allowed I say.
But it was clear that I knew my parents divorcing wasn’t something that we talked about. And what makes me question whether there is still stigma on separation and divorce in the Punjabi society today is because still till this day no one has ever spoken to me about my parents divorcing. There hasn’t been anyone who has broken that awkward silence and put aside that unnecessary stigma by asking a simple question of “how did that all make you feel?” Obviously I am years away from it all now and I wouldn’t be the person I am today if my Mum didn’t take that step. But it makes me think what if this is still something people are experiencing in the Punjabi society who are going through that after 20 years on. Is there still this barrier of brushing that ‘awkward’ conversation which involves the words of separation of divorce? Even with the Punjabi society moving forward portraying this modernised society, but is that morally modernised or just materialistically?
The main corrupt for causing this stigma is 100% the Punjabi society and then our older generation who hold onto this stigma because the society’s opinion blinds them over their own children and families feelings. To some extent I understand that their genuine sadness and disappointment could be mistaken by their fear of ‘shame’ taking priority. While also compressing the reality with blaming the influence of the British culture increasing the idea of separation and divorce into the Punjabi society.
Maybe the British culture did influence Punjabi people, Punjabi women in particular, with learning what their rights are and learning about the other ways of life. Whilst it became a priority for the second/third generation Punjabi parents to educate their children and raise them to be independent, their children where developing hybrid identities and in that they were learning things work differently in this country. They grew confidences in a country where their parents ‘kept their heads down.’ And maybe it was this confidence that allowed them to realise what their options and rights are when it comes to the aftermath of a marriage.
Mentioning a film I watched a few weeks back, a revolutionary watch the Bollywood film called Thappad which is based in India but the storyline was thought-provoking, inspiring and refreshing to see the representation of a housewife standing up for her self-respect and her self-value against her husband. Every woman should acknowledge their feelings, their self-value and their inner peace before jeopardising it for their families and society’s (selfish) peace, would you agree? I won’t tell the story in detail but the main aspect I took from this film is that, whether your partner is angry or frustrated, you as a person should not be the one to take the brunt of that anger or frustration. The Punjabi society’s age-old teaching of “don’t worry these things happen in marriages” and ignoring the ‘behind closed doors’ reality should not be entertained anymore and your feelings should not be blinded by “what will the family say” or “what will the neighbours think?” especially if you feel it is right for you.
This film is a silent-slap on this old-age society teaching because a woman stood firm on her ground and she got her divorce; that slap awakened her to realise the years of conditioning Indian women go through of “it’s just one slap, these things happen” was a rule of marriage that she didn’t believe in. There was one line that stuck in my mind from this film, when she says that even one slap is not okey for her. And it shouldn’t be okey for anyone, right? Even reverting genders, would the older generation and Punjabi society accept a Punjabi man being ‘casually’ slapped by their partner?
It’s those years of conditioning that Punjabi woman have learnt by their own family and the Punjabi society teaching what is right and wrong for them in their marriage, even when they know that what they feel is right for them is very different from their family and society teachings. The stigma around separation and divorce in the Punjabi society today is still there but maybe it is something that has been accepted by families and the Punjabi society but there is more to this than accepting. There comes dealing with the aftermath too, especially if there are children involved. Children easily get placed in the background, whilst the older generation and the society voice are placed above them. I think it’s time we switched that around, don’t you?
As much as Punjabi parents and society ‘come to terms with it’ they still hold that ‘brush it off’ culture when it comes to approaching it or dealing with it. But before brushing it off, because we don’t want the society to talk or we feel scared of what our other family members will say, we need to put our emotions, feelings, wellbeing and safety before those voices because those voices will last a few weeks or months but our emotions, feelings, wellbeing and safety will be with us for a lifelong time. Let’s together vanish that stigma and teach the older generation and Punjabi society how it really should be dealt with, what say?
